Well, here I am, writing for a wonderful magazine which is part of an enormous contributory wave waking up human consciousness. My journey has seen a relentless combination of spiritual phenomena and mystical experiences in a determined search for identity, truth and the nature of the Divine.
In 2015, I was diagnosed with a chronic progressive neurological condition, and a second serious health issue which followed soon after made me face the possibility that ‘my’ life could end at any given moment. Although over the years I’d been fortunate to glimpse the sacred nature of reality, still somehow, in all the chaos, I tumbled headlong into the dark night of my soul, and was trapped in a void of emptiness.
However, thanks to the grace of Spirit, perseverance, apparent coincidences, the kind love and support of a number of friends and colleagues, and a reawakening of creativity, life has blossomed. Over the past year, I have journeyed from the depths of emptiness to where I am now, which is home. Yes, I am home.
The name of this home is Self-realisation, known through the direct experience of seeing the unmediated presence I am. It’s not as special as the mind thinks, for it is the natural way of being, human consciousness waking up to its essential ever-present nature, like the blind bud of a flower recognising it is a blossoming white rose. Vain attempts to describe it always fall short, just as you may only ‘know’ the real scent of a rose by smelling its perfume for yourself. A simple way to explain it could be to say that it’s living life from the heart of Being, rather than through the separate mind of an individual.
When this happens, the shift is intimate and subtle, yet so radical, it is metamorphic. Family and friends may think little has changed, while inwardly, the search is over. The old mind dissolves, melting into the heart. But what has happened to the old you? Where has the ‘I’ you once believed to be you gone? Through the simple, silent act of pure consciousness mirroring itself, I realise this ‘I’ was never who I really was.
I am at one with this origin, this essence, this presence, for it is warm and welcoming, and just ‘is’ without effort, requirements or needs. It is whole. It is home. Here, I am, simply being, in this our home, for no one can claim omnipresence. The conceptual mind fades into oblivion as acceptance of the unknown appears, the same unknown now realized to have been present in each and every moment.
Today, all the peak experiences of the past are seen through. I can now see, the magical, the mystical, the miraculous, the inexplicable, were partial experiences of the Self. They were clues to Being, a limited view of reality. The old worldly stories have lost their power, and with it, the old worldly identity becomes a ghost of the past. So I no longer seek to find, and yet the journey continues as I deepen into this loving essence.
So, the search is over, because nothing is found and yet here I am in transparent wholeness. I am, I exist without relying on memories or tales of ‘I’. A childlike vibrancy, like the fluttering wings of a newly born butterfly, arises in each moment as the sheer beauty and splendour of this world causes my heart to skip a beat in limitless joy. I was blind, but now I see. Trees, plants and flowers once taken for granted have become beautiful stunning vivid reflections of what is. I am a drunkard drinking from an infinite sea of Love, for no cup could hold this limitless universal heart. Like a child wandering in a new world, I am fascinated, astounded and deeply in love with life.
Looking at the tree in the garden, I notice the leaves have now fallen, so the coat-like dressing, the amazing multicoloured appearance has dropped away, yet the bare tree remains. Of course, the tree was always there, but for such a long time all I saw from the limited viewpoint of my first floor window, was a thousand colourful leaves. Now the camouflage has gone, and the tree just is. The tree was there all the time, I just didn’t see it.
The Self is not hard to find, and neither is it easy. It resolves through perseverance, yet appears without effort. Being the truth of who you are is not an idea or a conclusion, for a fruitful search reveals there was never somewhere or something else to reach beyond who you really are. The journey remains, but it is now known to be endless and eternal. The old way of the mind has been completely inverted, for the seer is the sought. Life is led from essence, presence, or Being. The mind’s expectation of reaching a final knowing turns into a humble realization of unknowing. I thought I knew, but thinking is not the same as knowing. True knowing is beyond thought. Knowing is Being, and Being is Knowing. The fake concept of death dissolves, for far from being born and dying, we realise our unborn and undying nature. And this discovery is nothing new, for it is as old as life itself. For it is life, it is Self.