Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash
A few weeks ago, I had coffee with a woman who’s done a lot of work in philanthropy, and she shared an interesting rule of thumb: you need to thank a big donor 7 times between solicitations. Honestly, given the size of the donations we were discussing, I was shocked the number was that low. Perhaps donors have simply adjusted their expectations downward as our culture has lost touch with the ancient virtue of gratitude.
When I was young, my parents drilled into us a simple-but-powerful acronym to remind us to be appreciative. The acronym was “ACTS,” which stood for Adoration, Confession, Thanksgiving, and Supplication. My parents were teaching us that you build powerful relationships by focusing on three kinds of statements:
Adoration: “You are special.”
Confession: “I am fortunate to have you in my life.”
Thanksgiving: “I am grateful for these specific ways you have made life better for me.”
Then, only after regularly communicating those three things, you can perhaps occasionally feel it’s ok to ask for more (Supplication).
The point is… start with Gratitude, and dwell there awhile. Why is that? First, and most pragmatically, because gratitude makes the other person feel good. But there’s much more to it: gratitude shapes the grateful person. Because gratitude is the gateway to all other virtues, just as entitlement is the gateway to all other vices. If you want to become a more virtuous version of yourself, develop your gratitude muscles.
Want to be more helpful to other people? Remind yourself of all the good things going on in your life, and you will find yourself more open to sharing a bit of yourself with others. It’s hard not to express love for your life-partner if you regard yourself as having won the relational lottery in winning their heart. When you see clearly the forgiveness and grace that others have extended to you, your gratitude will make it easier for you to forgive others. A grateful heart has neither room for nor need of intemperance. More generally we can see gratitude as manifestation of the Abundance mentality, a mindset that makes us less protective, less hoarding, more hopeful, more willing, more confident, etc. We are the best versions of ourselves when we operate from an awareness of the Abundance in our lives, rather than from a sense of Scarcity.
On the other hand, a sense of entitlement – that the world owes me something, usually something I feel is lacking in my life – is terribly corrosive to both soul and relationships. It leads to selfishness, resentment, rage, and ethical bargaining of all kinds. It leads to social isolation. This is not the path to a life well-lived.
So cultivate a mindset of gratitude, and practice expressing it to others. You will be amazed at how these habits strengthen you while simultaneously building richer relationships.
Have a great week!
Scott
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