Can you remember back to when you were younger and were told: “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”
This is a lovely sentiment but sadly it isn’t always true – something I found myself when I was younger. Bullying isn’t always physical, sometimes it can be psychological and it’s the words used that do the damage.
I have since worked through that damage, luckily my case was relatively mild, related to weight gain as a pre-teen and, well, kids can be cruel. But words and comments can and do stick and occasionally they pop back up later in life.
These days, cyber bullying, trolls are a very real issue make bullying much more prevalent and the effects can be far reaching. If you run a space on social (or anti-social) media, you may have to be on-guard and prepared to deal with attacks from online bullies. It can be done. I am very much an example of that – dealing with a difficult and demanding person online very nearly made me chuck it all in before my business had a chance to take-off.
It’s not so much that I grew a thicker skin, but I learnt to set very firm, not to be messed with, boundaries. People get it. When you honour your own boundaries, others will follow. Trust me.
Words can make you wobble and doubt what you do.
Words absolutely have the power to hurt but also the power to heal. It’s how we wield them and the context we use them in that’s important, particularly online as you can’t read the other person’s body language or visible queues.
An example that’s used widely in the spiritual community is being ‘in service’ when what they really mean is being ‘of service’. Can you feel the difference in the two statements? I can feel my feathers being ruffled when the former is used. I understand this is mine to deal with. When you start to pay attention to the words used, you begin to see the energy behind them.
‘In Service’ is very controlling, relates to servitude and leaves a bitter taste in the mouth when applied to spiritual or energetic pathways. It suggests being beholden to others, draining your resources and in some cases hints at sacrifice of your time, energy, or even your resources.
‘Of Service’ has a cleaner energy, nodding towards helping where you can, when you can without sacrifice of anything you hold dear. It allows you to set your own boundaries without the burden of other’s expectations.
If you aren’t convinced, try both statements (‘in’ and ‘of’) for a while and see what comes up for you.
If it feels uncomfortable (either statement) then it is time to dig deep.
- Where does this feeling of discomfort sit in your body?
- What is your inner voice telling you?
- Do you want to completely ignore it?
- Are you ready to do something about it?
- When you sit with it where does it take you?
These aren’t easy questions to sit with or ask yourself. It’s very much part of facing your/our ‘shadow side’ head on. It can be tempting to shy away from these thoughts, feelings and energies but if you allow them to ‘sit within’ they can, and will, surface again at some stage.
What is coming up even reading my words? Irritation at being nagged at perhaps? Feeling a touch queasy? Or perhaps telling me to “shut up and mind your own business”.
These are the exact feelings and inner voices I’m talking about. When you look at them direct, you may even realise it’s not your own voice. It may be someone else in your life you see or saw as an authority in some way. Have you have absorbed their words over time as your own?
Would you rather tackle this now, or bury it till it returns with reinforcements?
Having done both in my life I’ll go with the former. That initial discomfort sits more easily than letting it fester and grow in the background. And while you can still do the work to clear/dissolve/transmute/integrate it can be a bigger task further down the road but please don’t kick yourself if you do. We learn through experience. I used to push everything down and then implode/explode when it all got too much. Now I work through what comes up pretty much immediately.
Not only is it impossible for me to ignore these things, I know from experience that dealing with it now will save me time and energy later that I can use for other things or helping other people.
Be brave, you might surprise yourself with this one.
Words Have Power
When speaking and writing, pause before you reply, if you can. How many times have you said something only to play it back in your mind later and wish you had said it another way? Or suddenly have a list if things you could have said or typed instead.
Are the words said from a place of fear or anxiety, or do they come from the heart?
Trust me when I say you can feel a difference. Those coming from fear have a sharp feel and sometimes a slightly metallic taste. Those from the heart whilst still challenging don’t sting in quite the same way.
Challenge your inner voice and the words it uses. It’s highly unlikely we would ever speak to anyone the way we speak to ourselves.
These days, I have learnt to instantly ‘spin and dissolve’ the statement when I call myself ‘stupid’ or ‘idiot’ when I know I’m neither. Perhaps I’m feeling frustrated, tired or confused. I choose to go with that instead. Once you start doing this for yourself you really being to pay attention to how you speak to others.
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