“For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
Jeremiah 29:11
To be talking with a Carmelite prioress made me feel like the luckiest woman alive, although I’d nearly chewed all my nails off before our meeting…
Will she like me?
How many nuns are there?
What if I don’t fit in?
I had three days to find out. Three blissful days in their beautiful guest cottage with a private garden and view of the bell tower. Every time the bells chimed, I smiled and wished I could go back in time to the grand old abbeys full of peace, chant, and candlelight.
I sipped my morning tea on the step and watched a busy squirrel run around the path. Finally, I was with the Carmelites, the one sacred place which had sparked this journey.
‘It was your crucifix picture online that brought me here,’ I said, when the prioress asked my reason for visiting. ‘There’s just something about Jesus on the cross.’
‘Gosh,’ she replied, ‘yes, you have a strong pull. This is a great start.’
‘I just feel so at home here.’
‘Follow that spark!’ she said, clasping her hands, and I felt a great sense of acceptance from her. She was so full of light, and much younger than I’d thought.
‘What else do you feel?’ she asked.
‘Just that I want to be with God more. I’ve been like this for years, having silence and writing in my journals.’
‘Yes,’ she said, ‘and God is our focus within all things. Our life is simple but busy, and we’re here for the needs of the world.’
‘I’m not that modern,’ I said, making her smile, ‘I think I could do this.’
‘Keep coming for more visits,’ she replied, ‘chat with other sisters, get to know us and really test your call.’
As we squeezed hands across the table, I wanted to scream with delight, but screaming isn’t allowed in a convent.
‘And you know we’re a Catholic order,’ she continued, ‘so you’ll have to become a Catholic if you’re going to enter here.’
‘How long does that take?’
‘If you speak to your priest,’ she said, ‘and keep me posted.’
Please God not ages!
The chapel was full for Mass and I made my way to the guest area and sat down. Waiting for the sisters to come in felt like a lifetime; I was fidgeting in my seat. The doors opened…
Don’t scream!
I struggled to contain my zest for their beauty. They were dressed in long brown habits with cream capes. It was stunning to see as they came forward in pairs, bowing to the altar, one after the other. I knew there would be no going back from this place. The light and energy they carried was immense. They were like a huge force of divinity that you wouldn’t mess with. Watching them made me feel that each one at some stage would’ve been in my shoes, having their first moments of joy and fear at how everything would work out.
Their priest was American and very witty. I wouldn’t mind listening to him every morning for the rest of my life. It was just wonderful to be in a church and not on the organ stool. I was a member of the congregation for the first time and enjoyed listening to one of the sisters play.
Other convents I’d visited had no music at all and I missed the majestic or soft tones accompanying the singing.
Around the sides of the chapel were circular stained-glass windows of the Carmelite saints. I recognised Teresa of Avila and John of the Cross, as well as Thérèse, the Little Flower. I wanted to buy all the books and learn absolutely everything! There was no stopping those ‘at home’ feelings.
Sure, the life was radical, so I made a mental pros and cons list whilst walking in their woods later that day…
You love God!
But no men around or boyfriends again?
Can’t go on holiday!
But you love God more…
No pets, and you can’t see your friends and family much,
JUST MOVE HERE!
And I didn’t mind giving up my mobile phone and not wearing any jewellery or make up. The life was all about inner beauty, which really is where God sits.
Back at the cottage, I snuggled up with a hot chocolate and pulled the curtains back so I could see the moon. It was late October, I loved the darker nights and all the stillness. An owl was hooting and I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep for the excitement of my new path.
I’d spent my whole life talking to what I believed was my creator, a loving divine being, and seeing the crucifix made me feel that it was Jesus within me all along. He speaks within, and if he was knocking on my heart like this, how could I refuse? It would be a slap in his face to say “no thanks” when I could feel that he wanted me to be the best version of myself, and if that’s in a convent, then let’s try.
“Let your light shine before men; that they may see your good works and glorify your Father who is in heaven.” Matthew 5:16
Article by Caroline Leighton
