Seems like a bit of an odd statement to make. Surely if it’s a healthy connection you wouldn’t need a boundary? In an ideal world that’s correct, but we’re not really in a fully ideal world just yet.
Sit and have a quick think. Are there friends, family or colleagues in your life that are constantly wanting something from you? Be it time, work, energy, resources or picking up their mess?
The relationship is all one way and after spending time with them you can feel drained, exhausted, irritated or some other emotion which isn’t your norm.
Perhaps you have someone in your life who feels a sense of entitlement to whatever it is they get from you. Maybe you haven’t placed a boundary around it to stop it from happening. Given I’m talking about boundaries a lot in my own work it feels right to show this spin on things, and how useful they can be.
Let’s take an example.
I will always pull from my own lived experience when I give you examples of what I mean. I’ve been in some pretty toxic/not so healthy situations over my life. With work, ‘friends’ and family to a lesser degree.
I’ll go with friends for the purpose of explaining what I mean about healthy boundaries.
As an empath I was very much a people pleaser. I wanted to do whatever it took to keep my friends happy. There were some who would only contact me when things were going badly in their life, or they needed something from me. Typically, some form of resource that I had, or they believed I had which they would get, virtually without question, as that’s who I was.
My energy and resources were being bled away and I had nothing in the pot for myself.
As I started doing my own work, finding my voice and my truth I had a few ‘ah ha!!’ moments that were very uncomfortable as I saw the truth of the relationship. That I was being used in some way that benefited them and not me. I twigged that I had no boundaries in place to give a clear indication of what I would accept and what I would not. I was signalling to the world that anyone could take what they wanted as I was pretty much an ‘all you can eat’ buffet, with no limits.
After a lot of soul searching, beating myself up for being so blind to it all and finding my inner strength I made some serious changes.
Boundaries became my best friend. I decided to place myself first.
- To not respond to emails or texts after a certain time at night.
- To not immediately answer the phone when the calls came in.
- Not to drop everything I was doing as my ‘stuff’ was an after-thought.
Instead, I waited until I was ready to get back in touch. Many times, what had been so urgent had dropped away. Or had been fixed in another way.
I had twigged I was enabling some debatable behaviour from those around me. Instead, I said “no”, and I meant it. As I started putting a little distance in place, for my sanity, some of them dropped away of their own accord. A few got angry and others did change their behaviour and/or sense of entitlement.
Did I let it all get to me and become jaded? Nope. I realised these emotions, behaviours etc. were outside my control. But I could influence and take responsibility for how and when I interacted with it all, on my own terms.
My boundaries became my true friends in this transition period. It’s why I talk about them so much. Especially now with all the ups and downs of the ‘Collective energies’ we find ourselves part of.
My boundaries allow me space to fully ‘sense check’ relationships, friendships and situations to see if they were what they appeared to be. Or if it was someone taking ‘the proverbial ‘out of my good nature. It turned out to be a mix of both.
Trust your gut it doesn’t steer you in the wrong direction.
Through it all I began to lean into trusting my gut reactions to situations. My gut became a secondary boundary if you will. I learned to see through the presented upper layer of things and dig a bit deeper into the truth of it all.
Finding out that you are being viewed as a ‘cash cow’ for someone is not particularly palatable but trust me, you change things very fast when you do.
My new shiny boundaries really let me finally, fully, trust the genuine people in my life who accept me for who I am always. Without any expectations or sense of entitlement towards me or what I do – and vice versa. The boundaries go both ways. I made sure I wasn’t using anyone in the way I had been used.
I’ve made some amazing, close friends along the way and see it as my payment in kind for taking responsibility of myself and my energy. My boundaries have allowed the cleanest of connections that I have had in my life.
Give it a whirl yourself
Boundaries is not a dirty word. They are most amazing tool for some of the strongest, healthiest connections you will find in your life.
Article by More to Life Elder – Cheryl McGregor // Dragon Ascension Therapies
Article published in More to Life – Edition 67
