Some years ago, when I was backpacking through French Polynesia, I spent time resting and recovering at a small hotel of about a dozen bungalows built around a restaurant and a pool. Most days I was the only guest. Then, walking out to the pool one morning, I saw a couple of new faces. As they spoke English and I had not heard English for several weeks, we naturally struck up a conversation.

It turned out they were crew on a private yacht that had just sailed from the Galapagos, and they had convinced the hotel manager to allow them to use the pool for the day, even though they were not guests at the hotel. After a few hours, one asked whether there was a guest shower as well (it had been 3 weeks since their last hot shower). I said I was not aware of one, but that they could use mine. They were surprised but immediately jumped on the opportunity.

Over the next few days, I spent some great moments touring the island with these lovely women and their crew mates, foraging for wild fruit, and talking about their adventures on the yacht. Their tales of adventure inspired me a few years later to buy a big sailboat and head off on my own, a decision that enriched my life indescribably. In other words, these strangers opened the door for relationships, stories, and inspiration beyond anything I could have imagined when we met: a moment when they needed something from me.

 

Fear Impoverishes

As thanks for my hospitality, the entire crew invited me to a local restaurant. During dinner, the captain of the vessel made a bit of a joke, asking whether I would have made my shower available if he, rather than the two beautiful women, had asked. I replied that the real question was whether he would have asked. He admitted that he certainly would not.

Most of us share the captain’s hesitance: we are terrified to admit that we need something and consequently reluctant to ask for help. To paraphrase the old saying, we go without help 100% of the times we fail to ask for it. It is a shame to miss out on countless potential connections because fear or pride prevents us from asking for help. We all know on some level that this is true, yet we are reluctant to ask for help. Why is that?

Barriers to Help

Sometimes, we are afraid of shattering the false image that we are constantly working to maintain, the personal brand of who we are, what we know, what we have, and how we have everything under control. We are often afraid of being judged for having gotten ourselves into a situation in which we need someone, or of being mocked for being unprepared or inexperienced, or simply for being exposed as not knowing something important. Unfortunately, that pretense prevents others from seeing that we could use their help.

You cannot learn what you already know. Learning is proceeding from not knowing toward knowing, so admitting one’s ignorance is the first step on the path to increasing one’s knowledge. It is remarkable to me that many “developed” societies have evolved in a direction that makes this first step toward knowledge so culturally unacceptable.

 

I suggest a different tack: stop saying “I know” so often. There is so much to learn and so little time in which to learn it, you should remove all barriers between you and new knowledge, beginning with the socially isolating pretense of knowing more than you do. No “I” knows as much as ‘we’ do. Hubris locks the door to this amazing store of knowledge and experience. Humility unlocks it.

The corollary of this principle is that we should make it easy for others to ask for help or to admit when they do not have everything under control. Be quick to lend a hand, offer advice and expertise, loan a tool, and do whatever else might help others who have the courage to admit they need a little help with a difficult situation. You need not simply do everything for them, but you can work with them, teach them, and graciously guide them around the pothole that stands in their way.

A classic objection to helping is that “people will take advantage of me.” Yes, some of them will. In my experience, less than 1 in 10 will do that, and we certainly do not need to allow the same person to take advantage repeatedly. In exchange for being taken advantage of once, we can share our experience with 9 fellow travelers and perhaps even find that they will enrich our lives at the same time. A transient moment of being taken advantage of in exchange for 9 opportunities to connect and share and be enriched – that is a great deal that I will accept every day.

Kindness of Strangers

I have explored widely on my own, frequently needing to learn how to do things for the first time. In my experience in many cultures in different corners of the globe, human beings are generally very open and willing to help. They are usually very gracious and giving, even sacrificial, toward anyone who humbly admits that they do not know everything, that they are just another human being exploring life and trying to make it through the situation as safely as possible. In fact, each time I asked for help – even from total stranger – it was provided, usually in an abundance greater than I requested, with a smile, and graciously.

People are instinctively eager to help another person in need, particularly by sharing their expertise and local knowledge. All that is required is an open mind and a willingness to admit that you do not know everything. When I admitted that I did not have a situation under control and needed help, my life was flooded with grace, energy, experience, and wisdom from total strangers, often saving me from intractable situations, and always creating a lifelong memory of deep appreciation.

 

Cut Yourself Some Slack

Years ago, Tom DeMarco wrote a great book called Slack. He advocated that managers should leave their employees with a little bit of excess capacity because that is the prerequisite for spontaneous creativity. I think there is another benefit of excess capacity that is more social: the only way we can be alert to others in need and available to lend a hand is if we are not already operating at 100% of our mental, financial, or emotional bandwidth.

Many of us buy into the lie that unless we are operating at 100% of personal capacity, we are somehow being lazy. Nothing could be further from the truth. When we are operating at 100% capacity, nothing is left for sensitivity to the people around us. If, as the saying goes, human beings are social animals, then attempting to operate at 100% capacity is an evolutionary step backwards.

When my over-scheduled western friends’ vacation in a ‘less developed’ country where people operate much further from 100% capacity, they marvel at the grace and generosity of the culture, with its richer web of social connections. They are then drawn back year after year more by the culture than by the beaches and palm trees. Perhaps something inside them remembers that this is the way. Human beings evolved to be aware of their social contexts yet being aware of each other requires a degree of slack.

If you want to live with this sort of awareness, consider a few of the following changes. Leave 10 minutes earlier than you absolutely must for the morning commute. That way, if you see someone stranded, you can stop and offer a ride or at least call for assistance. In the same vein, add small buffers in your calendar, so that a phone call is not immediately classified as a productivity-killing interruption. By de-pressurizing your schedule (and with it your brain), you can become more observant of and empathetic to those around you, rather than obliviously wrapped up in self (or your smartphone).

Once you have made the time to notice others, you can cultivate new habits that take advantage of your new awareness. Have the courage to ask, “Is everything OK?” And invest meaningful energy when someone has the openness and humility to admit they need help to solve a particular problem. You will be amazed at how much richer life can be if you slow down and open to giving and receiving help.

Article by More to Life Elder – Scott Davis

Article published in More to Life – Edition 67