As the world slowly opens, it’s time to take a fresh look at community and connection. Gathering in person again is not optional. We cannot thrive in isolation. As human beings, we require loving touch in order to thrive. The most important aspects of connection simply cannot be duplicated on a video call… things like eye contact, body language, social cues, and most of all, hugs.
As we integrate the lessons of the past year, it’s worth considering what we want to create going forward. We can’t “go back to normal” when our world has been shaken up to such an extreme degree. Normal is defined as “conforming with, adhering to, or constituting a norm, standard, pattern, level, or type.” Instead, let’s vision and create something new.
We are all tender. Our nervous systems have been on a wild ride. In addition to isolation and separation, we’ve witnessed and participated in massive political upheaval, further exposure of entrenched systemic racism and demands to overhaul these outdated systems, unemployment and loss of income, and the death of friends and family members, just to name a few. It’s all been overlaid by a constant barrage of fear-based, heavily biased, and often inaccurate or false media hype.
As humans, we have different perspectives, ideas, and opinions, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. How can we come back together in community in ways that respect individual perspectives and choices without our differences creating divides and destroying connection?
In her interview with The Guardian, Esther Perel said, “After a year of viewing spontaneous connection as dangerous and threatening – as a vector of literal contamination – people will be desperate for surprise and spontaneity, but they’ll also have to learn to trust again. Every person will have different levels of risk tolerance; every person will have been psychologically changed by Covid in different ways.”
I was struck by the idea that we’ll have to learn to trust again, and that inspired me to dive deeper into what that might look like. Here are some important things to consider as you create your next level of connection and community.
Honor individual risk tolerances. Everyone has a different physical constitution and tolerance for health risks. If someone needs to wear a mask and distance themselves, trust that they have their own reasons for it. Rather than judge them or make assumptions, it’s important to honor and respect people’s health decisions.
Consent is vital. Ask before you hug someone or touch them in any way. Be sensitive to other people’s needs and risk factors. When you ask, wait for a clear answer. It may be verbal or non-verbal, but wait until you are sure. Because I often work with women who have been sexually wounded, I developed a protocol of asking before hugging a long time ago. Being an enthusiastic hugger, it took some practice for me to ask and then wait for an answer. Train yourself to always ask and always wait for an answer.
Find new ways to connect. Instead of focusing on what we don’t see eye to eye on and trying to convince each other to change, let’s explore finding some common ground. I’m not saying you need to like everyone or be liked by everyone, but we are all humans here. At the very least, we have our humanity in common. Start small and explore gently. Pretty much everyone loves to talk about their kids, pets, or grandkids.
Come back to your heart. In times of crisis, the things that matter most are brought into sharper focus. Be tender with yourself and with others. Do your best to drop out of your head with all its mental chatter and connect through your heart. Your heart has an energy field all its own, and you can learn to cultivate that loving place with intention and practice. Bring to mind someone or something (like a beloved family member or pet) that you love dearly. Really feel what it feels like when you bring them to mind. That’s the energy field you want to cultivate. Cherish the people you choose to connect with.
Prioritize self-care. If you find yourself around others who cannot connect in a loving, respectful way, remove yourself. You do not have to subject yourself to anything that does not feed and nourish you. Connections with people should leave you feeling uplifted and happy, not drained and exhausted. Cultivate the habit of monitoring yourself and notice when you need to withdraw and take care of yourself.
Choose what’s right for you. Notice when you’re adapting to other people’s needs and wants while sacrificing your own or taking on other people’s judgments and projections. Don’t let anyone push you around or bully you about your risk factors, your choices, or your needs. If you choose to wear a mask (for example), that’s your choice, regardless of what anyone else thinks about it or says about it.
It’s imperative that we begin to gather in person again just as soon as it feels safe to do so. And “safe” will mean something different for each person. We have an incredible opportunity here, so let’s vision and create a new version of community and connection that supports and nourishes all of us.
By Amrita Grace
Award-winning, bestselling author
