It’s so easy to forget we live in a world inhabited by a cacophony of signals, different insignia that provide possible answers to our thoughts and emotions. If we were to just stop and spend a few moments looking, really looking, we would see the many flags, hints and pointers the universe has chosen to bring to our attention.
This is the universe waving, helping us to notice something of interest, something important to relieve our confusion.
These many signs come from a myriad of sources. From advertisements, from shapes, from flowers, insects and animals, from the spoken or written word. These signals bring us closer to a solution, to a feeling that brings with it a moment of revelation, an epiphany, a moment of transition to another place in our mind so we can change, so we can release, so we can move to another part of the journey we opted to take.
When you are willing to step from behind your shadow and into the light of your soul, the universe presents you with a gift. My gift is a Red Admiral butterfly, a simple red butterfly that changed the way I see the pain in my life. It is usually the simplest of things that create the greatest opportunities for transformation.
I watched this butterfly bask in the warm sunlight. I watched as it darted between flowers looking for sustenance. I watched this beautiful creature for 30 minutes as it danced its dance over our common landscape. It was dancing just for me.
For me, emotions were many. Anger, guilt, frustration, sadness, worthlessness, lack of control, the dark view I have of myself. And not to forget the immense joy in the magnitude of nature.
Like King Canute before me trying to hold back the tide, I stood there asking the butterfly, willing it, forcing it, cajoling it, to walk upon my open palm. I tried three times and the butterfly refused and simply flew away.
I felt devastated, frustrated, angry that nature, the butterfly, didn’t feel safe in my company. I felt like squashing it, killing it , wiping it off the face of the Earth. Anger and rage all mixed up as guilt enveloped me asking the question why I would want to destroy something so beautiful, something so full of life, something so simple.
Why were my feelings so raw? Why did something so simple elicit so many dark emotions within? What came floating into my consciousness was so unexpected.
I was looking for validation, endorsement, self-esteem, identity. I felt rejected by nature, rejected by people, rejected by the universe and rejected by myself most of all. My inner, unvoiced scream was looking for worth, value, significance, importance, none of which I was able to give myself. I had learnt from people of my worthlessness so my core belief stated that my only option was to look for worthiness from others.
I became the blank canvas that others had painted their wants and needs upon. I had learnt to view the external world as more important than my inner world. I had placed so much weight upon the external that all the internal held was anger, rage and frustration and a whole host of other emotions.
Standing there, leaning against the concrete wall, I was captivated by the butterfly as it moved silently from one wall to another, oblivious of my presence. As I watched, new thoughts meandered through a troubled mind.
My core belief, learnt from a very early age, was that other people were more important, that their views counted more than my own, that I had no right to express my individuality, my creativity, my natural compassion. I had to succumb to the role archetype laid out for me by generations of masculine males of the era.
The butterfly was saying it was time to revisit my core beliefs and decide, to finally choose a new way of believing. I had to start again from scratch.
Everything about me had to change. Nothing would or could be left untouched. The Phoenix had to ignite the pyres of transformation so I could rebuild from the ashes into something that really expressed my soul at its core.
This new journey could not be just cerebral, it had to be one of the heart and mind working together in concert with a new way of thinking thoughts. It seems that to be a true epiphany, an awakening of gigantic proportions, both the logical, masculine mind AND the feeling, feminine emotion had to be in concert. It is this moment of revelation that changes.
And the moment I had reached this new state of awareness, the butterfly changed its own view of me and came much closer, almost touching my jacket several times. The Red Admiral became still in one of its more restful moments. As I reached out carefully it sniffed at my finger for several seconds; or was it hours? Nature had finally become at one with me just as I had become at one with myself.
You see, I had let go of the need to control the world, the need to dictate my preferences. I finally understood why in both the feeling heart and the intellectual mind.
You see, I had changed, altered immeasurably in the blink of a butterfly wing. The world was, is, still the same.
To find out more about Coran Foddering’s beautiful journey of transformation, please visit www.awayofseeing.ne